A lot of us learned selflessness as one thing:
Put everyone else first.
Do not complain.
Be the “good” one who never needs anything.
At first, people may praise you for this.
Inside, though, it can feel like you are slowly vanishing.
That is not true selflessness.
That is people pleasing that runs on fear.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of being called selfish if you ever say no.
Real selflessness is different.
It is not about having no needs.
It is about choosing to care on purpose, from your values, not from guilt.
Teachers like Don Miguel Ruiz and Brené Brown both point to this in different ways.
Ruiz talks about how we are “domesticated” by family and culture.
We pick up rules that are not really ours.
Be perfect. Do not fail. Keep everyone happy.
His agreements are simple tools to undo that.
Be careful with your words, because they shape reality.
Do not take things so personally, because most people act from their own inner storm.
Do not make up stories in your head. Ask.
Do your honest best, knowing that your best changes from day to day.
Brené Brown adds something important.
Real courage includes clear boundaries.
You can be kind and still say, “This does not work for me.”
You can care about people and still be honest when you are tired or at your limit.
Together, this gives a different picture of selflessness.
Not “I will erase myself so you are never upset.”
More “I will bring my real self to the table, and from that place, I choose to give.”
Think of a tree.
A healthy tree gives shade and fruit.
It also has roots that go deep into the ground.
If you cut the roots so it can “give more,” the whole tree will fall.
No shade. No fruit. No life.
Selflessness is like that.
The point is not to chop at your own roots.
The point is to be rooted enough that your giving is steady, real, and free.